| back & forth |
July 06, 2014 @ 3:00 a.m.
I am a __________

       Like the time my dad's latest speech was busy making waves in my head. And Athan was sleeping. And it was all quiet, all dark. And Caribbean-blue-eyes had already walked by with his dog. Three times. So I was just laying on carpet and drinking straight from a 50 dollar bottle of wine, taken from my father's stash. Never felt more like a pirate. And all I could think about was the dog's damn name. Zeus. god! Sometimes life slaps you in the face. Just to remind you. So, no. No Caribbean-blue-eyed boy for me. Not with Zeus on a leash.
       Or the time I read a book on love. And it hit me that I had ran away. And like a cold thief took with me his biggest treasure. And the kicker was that I did not regret it. My selfishness, it turns out, extends to parenting and could never share the bulk of it with him. So I took a bottle--only half there -- and sat on what passed as a patio. With the lights off. My stolen riches sleeping(again), no moon, a couple of stars. And it felt forbidden, that dark, rich liquid running down smooth and hot. Yes, a callous pirate with no heart.
       There have been times when a whole bottle of wine was the right idea. Glass? Arrgh, no matey. This be the way to drink. When it has felt like the thing to do. The thing for, not forgetting, but laughing. At life.
       My life.
       I am a morbid joke so ridiculous, what's left to do but laugh at it all, the way only a fantasy pirate would.
       And that's what I want right now: a bottle and a night calling. Because the truth is, I have been a pirate in the past. I have lied my way and taken people and slashed through trusting hearts. My hoard filled with others' friendships, unfulfilled dreams, thoughts and stories and hopeful nights. I took and I took and I took and I never gave back. But these past years, to my everlasting peace and surprise, I have been reforming. Slowly. I have been Good, getting the hang of Honesty. This is me finally settling into my bones and my skin and my heart. Finally, finally healthy. Of course, what reforming path would be complete without the one last temptation glittering from afar. One last pillage. I want the energy, I want the love and the time. Someone's peace of mind. Let's destroy a heart, a person, a life. Aye! Let's slash and fight!
       No, let us not. Because I find I do not want to revert to old habits.
       Yes, that's what I need: a bottle and a laugh in the night. But I don't have my father's not-quite-cheap stash and, really, what kind of pirate would I be if I just drank what I myself bought.

but joke's on me, because this new treasure is as much of a pirate as me. Yo ho, yo ho!

I suppose rum is the thing, but semantics I say! Arrgh!

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