| back & forth | | ||||||||
January 28, 2014 @ 1:10 p.m. | ||||||||
And things got complicated | ||||||||
�������Not at first of course. No. At first I was too busy having a paradigm shift- and perhaps a minor existential breakdown. Because I was not freaking out about the quickening in my womb (imagined quickening, of course, it was too early then). And if there was anything I knew with certainty, before I became pregnant, was that parenthood was a very big not-happening for me. And here I was, pregnant. And calm. Contemplative. Because I actually, kind of, liked the idea. But I was not suppose to! If I could not depend on what, for a decade, did not want to be, then who was I? Were there no parameters to me at all? Could I accept anything? �������Could I accept him? Could I be a wife? �������Because there was my other conviction. Marriage. My other big not-happening. And, if I knew Nikolaos, he would ask. So I tested the idea in my head. Tasted it in my tongue. Toyed with it every time I held his hand. Because obviously I had no strength of character: when the time to use them came, my convictions went out the window. �������It was at his cousin�s wedding when things got complicated. Standing in the ornate church hearing vows I could not understand. Then at the reception, where the grape vine let us know the bride was pregnant. And it was a bucket of icy water. �������I always will. (This was very difficult to write, don�t know why. Ok, I know why. I�m breaking a bottle I held tight for seven years. But if I am going for honesty, then honest it is. Please don�t judge too harshly...) |
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